A REMINDER FROM ME TO YOU

Here are some questions that I have been putting together since I was 11. I wanted to share them with you all because I know that many of us are headed in this direction and I want for my sister what I want for myself. Insha'Allah it benefits all of us in choosing the correct spouse to spend our life with. May Allah grant us all great Success Ameen!!!

P.S. It's a lot so be prepared :)

 

 

Checking out the Brother's Islam

 

1. Do you have the correct understanding of Tawheed?

2. Do you believe and understand in the five pillars and the six articles of faith?

3. Are you a follower of any groups that have deviant practices or do you follow a group whose practices put them OUT of Islam? Some of these groups are Nation of Islam, Some Shia, Ahmadiayah, Rashad Khalifa followers, Qadianis, 5% Nation, 12ers,  and other unnamed groups.

4. Is reading Islamic books apart of your daily routine?

5. Do you understand blind following of the Madhhabs (Blind Following of Madhhabs by Shaykh Muhammad Sultan al-Ma'soomee al Khajnadee). Some people will take the opinion of a school of through and reject the authentic Sunnah, and this is why this is a problem.

6. Some "scholars" have a modernistic slant, which scholars you refer to for Islamic materials and / or answers. 

7. Do you try to lower your gaze when looking at other women?

8.Do you needlessly chat with women?

9. Will you expect your wife to be in the company of non-maharim men in your home or while visiting others, including your brothers which are not advisable?

10. Do you pray all the prayers on time and the Sunnah prayers?

11. Do you fast all of Ramadan?

12. Do you engage in voluntary fasting?

13. Do you read Quran everyday or the translation of the meanings?

14. Do you remember to say your duas at certain times, like before eating, after eating, at time of sleep, when traveling,  leaving the home, getting into your car, etc.?

15. Do you try to refrain from backbiting and slander?

16. Do you try refrain from idle talk?

17. Are you careful to check your grocery products for haraam ingredients?

18. Are you able to divide your time reasonably between work and Islamic activities and your family?

19. Have you performed Hajj and/or Umrah? If not when do you think you will be able to take yourself and your family.

20. Do you play with magic (i.e. "wee gee" boards), jinn’s; listen to astrologers or reading your horoscope? If so this is haraam.

21. Do you practice or participate in any of the following Islamicly incorrect things such as celebrating the Prophet sallallahu alayhe wa salaam birthday, participating or congratulating the kufar on their holiday, etc.?

22. Will you be able to take your wife on Umrah and hajj (is required for those who have the means)?

23. How much time do you spend studying Islam, not counting the Khutbah at Jumah prayer?

24. Do you attend Jumah prayer?

25.Do you at least pray Fajr and Isha prayers in the Masjid? If not why? If it is because of distance would you seriously consider moving closer to the Masjid? If it is for some other reason, could changes be made to enable you to do so?

26. Do you always get up for Salatul Fajr?

27.Do you pray other prayers other than Jumah at the mosque?

28. Do you engage in dhiker and the daily dua's on a regular basis?

29. Do you intend to live by the Quran and Sunnah the way the companions did without modernistic interpretation?

28. How are going to handle matters that have different Islamic conclusions?

29. Would you make the effort to find out if the particular matter had a culture only basis, bidah basis, inauthentic information by way of misinterpretation of Quran or inauthentic hadeeth?)

30. If you have any cultural practices which interfere with Islam, are you willing to give them up. (i.e. mixing between the sexes, improper Islamic attire etc.?)

31. Are you actively participating in da'wah, if not will you start?

32. How many surahs have you memorized?

33. What method do you use to find out if a particular matter is halaal or haraam etc. (i.e. consult Shaykh, knowledgeable individual, and come to your conclusion?)

34. Do you expect your wife to serve male guests in the home?

35. Have you learned any Arabic? If not what are your plans toward this goal that will help you maximize your understanding of the Quran you recite in your prayers and the hadeeth you read and all other Islamic talks, even when  given mostly in English? 

36. How are you educating yourself Islamicly, besides, audio and periodicals?

37. Do you have any plans to attend regular courses at the Masjid or Islamic online school? 

38. What kind of provisions are you able to make so that your wife is also educated in Arabic and Islam on an ongoing basis?

39. Where do you purchase your meats?  Although there is a difference of opinion among the scholars concerning eating the meat in American the view which clears one of delving into doubtful matters is to purchase meat from stores that?

40. What is the role of religion in your life now?

41. Are you a spiritual person?

42. What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?

43. What are you expecting of your spouse religiously?

44. What is your relationship between you and the Muslim community in your area?

45. Are you volunteering in any Islamic activities?

46. What can you offer your spouse spiritually?

47. What is the role of the husband?

48. What is the role of the wife?

49. Do you want to practice polygamy?


 

 

 

Behavior

1. Do you like to argue and fight?

2. Do you believe in saying "I love you" and showing affection toward the wife and children, which the Prophet did to his wife and children?

3. Are you willing to spend quality time with your wife and children, for learning and recreation?

4. Are you willing to change bad habits that you or your wife may have?

5. After marriage, do you think that you are one to express romantic feelings verbally?

6. What makes you angry and how do you deal with your anger?

7. Do you blame everybody but yourself?

8. Do you stop talking to the person involved?

9. Do you bear grudges ("I'll get him back one day!")?

10. Have you ever physically or mentally abused anyone with whom you was angry with?

11. Do you get angry when those who may be wiser disagree or suggest an alternative point of view?

12. Do you ever forgive those with whom you become angry with?

13. How do you behave during a crisis?

15. Do you become hostile towards an uninvolved member of an ethnic group which is known to abuse followers of Islam?

16. What steps do you take to face and deal with pressure?

17. Do you remain optimistic that things will get better, and that after every difficulty comes ease?

18. When you are angry do you use curse words?

19. What is your definition of love in the marital sense?

20. Do you have any character references? If so when may my Wali obtain them?

21. Do you get angry easily?

22.Do you have a temper? If so are you able to control your anger or temper from getting to far out of hand? In an authentic hadith the Prophet (SAWS) said "Don't get angry" three times.

23. If you are angered are you willing to talk out the problem or do you need time to simmer down?

24. Do you have any past misguided deeds, which may affect your family now?

25. Do you feel that you are mature enough to enter into marriage?

26. What type of personality do you feel best describes you i.e. carefree, high strung, humorous, combination, easy going, narcissistic or other please explain?

27. What type of things make you laugh or make you angry?

28. Are you a good listener?

29. Would your friends consider you to be honest and forthright?

30. Would you do what someone else wanted you to do despite your true feelings? 

31.What would you do if someone requested something of you that was unIslamic?

32.Are you easily bullied and convinced or able to stand your ground?

33. Do you feel that you are a considerate individual?

34. Are you often moody, grumpy and irritable?

35. What is your understanding of physical and mental cruelty?

36. How do you feel about deadlines?

37.Do you procrastinate?

38.How do you feel about preparing ahead of time?

35. How many marriage prospects have you had, and why did you choose not to marry them or why did they choose not to marry you?

36. How do you express your admiration for someone that you know now?

37. How do you express your feelings to someone who has done a favor for you?

38. Do you like to write your feelings?

39. If you wronged someone, how do you apologize?

40. If someone has wronged you, how do you want her/him to apologize to you?

41. How much time passes before you can forgive someone?

42. How do you make important and less important decisions in your life?

43. Do you use foul language at home? In public? With family?

44. Do your friends use foul language?

45. Does your family use foul language?

46. How do you express anger?

47. How do you expect your spouse to express anger?

48. What do you do when you are angry?

49. When do you think it is appropriate to initiate mediation in marriage?

50. When there is a dispute in your marriage, religious or otherwise, how should the

conflicts get resolved?

51. Define mental, verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

52. What would you do if you felt that you had been abused?

53. Who would you call for assistance if you were being abused?

 

 

 

Family & Himself

1. What is your relationship with your family?

2. Sometimes family members can unfairly interfere in a couples marital life, how will you handle this matter should it arise?

3.  Would you follow your parent’s requests if they were Islamicly incorrect?

4. If your parents are Muslim, are they practicing?

5. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

6. How often do you visit your family and how often do they visit you?

7. Are any of your family members that are Muslim involved in regular unIslamic behavior such as improper dress, use of cigarettes or alcohol, mixing with other sexes, failing to prayer?

8. Do any members in your immediate family such as your father or brother have more than one wife?

9. Will I be expected to sit, live along with your brothers who are above the age of puberty?

10.If your family is not Muslim, how do  they feel about Islam, and if it is negative what are you trying to do to change that?

11. What do you expect your relationship with the family of your spouse to be?

12. What do you expect your spouse’s relationship with your family to be?

13. Is there anyone in your family living with you now?

14. Are you planning to have anyone in your family live with you in the future?

15. If, for any reason, my relationship with your family turns sour, what should be done?

16. What is your concept of marriage?

17. Have you been married before?

18. Are you married now?

19. What are your expectations of marriage?

20. Why have you chosen me/other person as a potential spouse?

21. What are your goals in life? (Long and short term)

22. Identify three things that you want to accomplish in the near future.

23. Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.

24. Who are your friends? (Identify at least three.)

25. How did you get to know them?

26. Why are they your friends?

27. What do you like most about them?

28. What will your relationship with them after marriage be?

29. Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

30. What is the level of your relationship with them now?

31. What will be the level of your relationship with them after marriage?

32. What type of relationship do you want your spouse to have with your friends?

33. What are the things that you do in your free time?

34. Do you love to have guests in your home for entertainment?

35. What are you expecting from your spouse when your friends come to the house?

36. What is your opinion of speaking other languages in home that I do not understand? (with friends or family)

37. Do you travel?

38. How do you spend your vacations?

39. How do you think your spouse should spend vacations?

40. Do you read?

41. What do you read?

42. Are you a jealous person?

43. How protective are you over the people you love?

44. What is your worst habit?

45. What would you like to change about yourself?

46. What do you like best about yourself?

47. Would you consider yourself serious all the time?

48. Do you like to laugh and joke around?

49. Do you get annoyed easily?

50. Describe yourself in 3 words.

51. Is it hard for you to relax?

52. Are you always in work mode?

53. Can you keep secrets?

54. How were you raised as a child?

55. Are you strict and stern or are you flexible and easy?

56. Are you a person who enjoys company or a loner?

57. Do you consider yourself helpful?

 58. Is it easy for you to say no?

59. Are you able to admit your mistakes?

 60. How do you spend your days?

 

 

 

 

 

His Health, Mentality, & Habits

1. Do you have any aliments, sicknesses or disease (diabetes, cancer, heart troubles, migraine headaches, AIDS)

2. Do you have any mental disorders, including ADD, OCD?

3. Do you brush your teeth daily?

4. Do you follow the Sunnah and clip your underarm hair and pubic hair regularly?

5. Do you have stress related ailments?

6. Do you wash your hands before leaving the bathroom?

7. Do you wash your private parts with water after using the bathroom?

8. Do you consider yourself tidy and clean in your appearance and your home.

9. Do you have any addictions to pain killers?

10. How often do you take a shower?

11. How often do you visit the doctor for a general exam? Any surgeries?

12. Do you snore or have sleeping disorders?

13. Do you handle problems by ignoring them, please explain?

14. Are you easily influenced by bad behavior?

15. Are you a jealous individual?

16. Is it common for you to be depressed or in a bad mood?

17. Do you consider yourself pleasant to be around?

18. Do your friends have similar Islamic behavior?

19. What do you feel needs to be worked on the most concerning your character and a personality and Islamic behavior?

20. Are you involved in Masjid scandals, if so explain?

21. Are you a prankster who likes to play jokes on people?

22. Do you consider yourself generous?

23. In light of your Islamic behavior and overall personality, if you had a daughter would marry your daughter to someone like yourself?

24. Do you feel that you can handle constructive criticism in a reasonable manner, Islamic or otherwise?

25. Are you a picky eater? If so explain.

26. Do you feel that you are bossy, demanding, controlling or overbearing? Are you a mental or physical tyrant? Would you strike your wife or child which left bruises or marks?

27. Do you feel that you lack direction or self control?

28. Do you understand that I have the right to report you to my Wali if you are mistreating me?.

29. How would an ex wife describe your behavior?

30.  Some brothers are sneaking, misleading and are dishonest and hide things from their families. Are you like this?  If so, this could be a cause for counseling or divorce.

31. Are you willing to take a physical exam by a physician before marriage?

32. What is your understanding of proper health and nutrition?

33. How do you support your own health and nutrition?

 

 

 

 

Children

1. Are you able to have children?

2. Do you want to have children? If not, why?    

3. How many children would you like, if any?    

4. Do you respect the fact that children have rights? (not to be bruised or mistreated in any way  etc.)

5. What would you do if your wife were not able to have children?

6. What languages will you be able to teach your children to speak?

7. If a disagreement arises would you argue in front of the children? If so this is not healthy.

8. Would you lie to the children to get them to do something, such as promising a lollipop to get them to stop whining if you really don't have a lollipop? If so this is not permissible

9. Would you tell your children "Insha’Allah", if you really had no intention on giving or doing what they asked you for?

10. Do you have patience with children?

12. How do you intend to educate your children Islamicly?

13. Is there an Islamic school for children where you live?

14. Does the mosque provided programs for the children where you live?

15. How important are male children to you?

16. Are you interested in using any forms of temporary or natural birth control? If so what type?

17. Do you it is not permissible to curse at or make negative dua’s on your children?

18. Do you know that Islamicly you may not smack the children in their faces or call them any type of negative names?

19. How should children be disciplined?

20. Is naming the children mutual for you or do you just want to name your children yourself?

21. Do you want to have children in the first two years of marriage? If not, when?

22. Do you believe in abortion?

23. Do you have children now?

24. What is your relationship with your children now?

25. What is your relationship with their other parent?

26. What relationship do you expect your spouse to have with your children and their parent?

27. What is the best method(s) of raising children?

28. What is the best method(s) of disciplining children?

29. How were you raised?

30. How were you disciplined?

31. Do you believe in spanking children? Under what circumstances?

32. Do you believe in public school for your children?

33. Do you believe in Islamic school for your children?

34. Do you believe in home schooling for your children?

35. What type of relationship should your children have with non-Muslim classmates/friends?

36. Would you send your children to visit their extended family if they lived in another state or country?

37. What type of relationship do you want your children to have with all their grandparents?

 

 

 

 

The Wife & Co-Wives

 

 

1. Some brothers have the idea that they don't want to work for the Kufr yet they send their wives out to work, or lie on applications to collect public assistance, do you think that you will take this impermissible course of action?

2. If your wife is attending school, will you allow her to further her education and pay for the tuition?  If now how will you accommodate her  educational needs?

3. Am I expected to follow the husband blindly in Islamic matters when there is authentic proof  to the contrary of what the husband is expecting? If the answer is yes, this goes against Islam.

4. Sometimes after child birth  or at any other time a woman may gain a lot of weight.  Would you allow your wife to participate in some type of exercise program outside of the house, once she is ready and healed or take her for walks or purchase  equipment so that she may workout at home. 

5. Will you ask my permission before offering my services to someone else? (i.e. baby-sitting, typing or whatever). Always consult your wife before agreeing on her behalf that she will commit to various projects and aids.

 

 

Questions for agreeing to be a co-wife

1. Do you have a clear understanding of my rights as a co-wife? (That you must be fair and not show favoritism among other things) That I must be supported without public assistance programs.

2. Will I be expect to live in the same house with the other wife? If so I have the right to my own residence.

3. How will you be able to divide your time up between us fairly?

4. If the other wife does not like me, how will you handle this situation?

5. How does the other wife feel about you adding another wife?

6. Why are you seeking to marry another wife?

7. Are you happy with your current marriage?

8.Is your wife aware of you intending on taking on another wife?

9. Are you giving her rights as a wife?

10.Will you take your wife's feelings of jealousy in consideration?

11.Will you force your wife and future spouse to become close or would you let them gradually become close?

12. If you already have children will I be asked to help out with  children that are not mine? 

It is always a good thing that the other wife knows that her husband is seeking to take another wife.  Make sure you speak with the other wife before you marry, and ask her questions about her husband, what is his true character? You also want to do this, because you may put yourself in the middle of a war. One sister found out that her husband took another wife and became a loose cannon and went ballistic. She threw things threw the windows of the home and  wrecked the house.  Is that the type of person you want to have as a co wife? Some  unstable ladies may come to physically harm you or your property. Likewise, wouldn't you want a heads up if you were her?  At the very least this is a good idea, so that she knows about you and can  try to mentally prepare herself for your addition to the family she has established.

 

 

 

 

Home

1. Where do you intend to live? (short term and long term thoughts)

2. What type of living arrangements will you provide (i.e. will anyone be living with us after the marriage like your mother or brother or any children)

3. What is the status of your current living arrangement, i.e. do you live in rat, roach or ant infestation or just a mild problem?

4.  Where will we live apartment building or home, bad area, medium or good area of town?

5.  Will my furniture  be the main fixtures, or is what you have  sufficient or will I be getting new or use materials or will you expect me to get ride of what I have?

6. If I am unhappy with the place that we live in after the marriage, would you consider moving to another place?

7. Do you move around a lot, of so, why?

8.Do you want to settle in the country where you now live?

9.Do you want to return to your homeland? Do you want to move to a new country altogether?

10.Will the family have to move frequently because of your profession?

11.Will you take my feelings into account when deciding where to live?

12.Do you aspire to a large and luxurious home, or will you settle for less? Do you want to live in the heart of the city, in the suburbs, or in an isolated rural setting?

13.Who will be in charge of paying the bills for the house?

 

 

 

Financial

 

 1. Do you have any credit cards, loans, or other bills in which you are trying to elude the bill collectors because you are in the land of the Kufar and do not  feel that you have to repay the loan?  (This act is Not allowed.)

2.Do you have any interest bearing accounts? If so are you prepared to close them?

3. If the husband does not want the wife to work, will he pay any debts that she brings into the marriage? (i.e. hospital bills, college tuition)

4. If you are unable to afford medical care or general living expenses will the wife have to be on public assistance such as Food Stamps, Welfare, Medicaid or WIC . (Sisters! Keep in mind that it is not permissible for you to collect public assistance if you have to lie by saying your not married, and don't know who the fathers are. This happens when brothers take more than one wife and can not afford them (which is a requirement in Islam to be able to afford the wife) and leads to embarrassing you and the whole community.  This is a grave thing. And if you are going to be a second wife, you should not marry someone who can't afford you, that is your right.

5. How mindful of you of managing your money, are you careful not to be wasteful, are you forgetful of paying bills on time, do you have a history of writing bad checks, or being harassed by collection agencies?

6.If I have any of my own money regardless of the source, and I allow you to borrow it, do you understand that you must pay it back if I request that in the beginning?

7. Are you willing to give your wife full access to your earnings?

8. Can you give your wife her own regular salary, if so how much?

9. How much income do you earn per month? Can you show a pay stub or tax return for verification.

10. Do you feel that you are ready to take on the financial responsibility of a wife? Do you send money to your family regularly to help them out?

11. Can you provide 1 years maintenance for your wife due to an unexpected loss of job or untimely death? (i.e. savings)

12. Will you be able to purchase Islamic books for your wife? Have you already started your own personal Islamic library?

13. Is there anything that you would be unwilling or unable to provide your wife with financially.

14.  Are you currently involved in any forms of interest (riba) and or insurance? If so why? Do you have any debts personal or otherwise?

What is you definition of wealth?

15. How do you spend money?

16. How do you save money?

17. How do you think that your use of money will change after marriage?

18. Do you have any debts now? If so, how are you making progress to eliminate them?

19. Do you use credit cards?

20. Do you support the idea of taking loans to buy a new home?

21. What are you expecting from your spouse financially?

22. What is your financial responsibility in the marriage?

23. Do you support the idea of a working wife?

24. If so, how do you think a dual-income family should manage funds?

25. Do you currently use a budget to manage your finances?

26. Who are the people to whom you are financially responsible?

27. Do you support the idea of utilizing baby sitters and/or maids?